I would of never thought when 2011 started that it would end up this way. We started talking about if we wanted to have another baby or be done. It seems like we talked about it everyday. Sam said he could go either way. I wanted another baby, but thought things might be easier if we were done. We had been having babies since we got married and now they were finally sleeping through the night and we were actually able to go on a vacation without them and they did great without us. We had a trip to New York that we were starting to plan. I had stopped nursing Finn in January so I was gaining some independence also.
He kind of left the decision up to me. The day we 100% decided he would be "fixed", we were driving home from Seattle and I was already a few weeks pregnant and didn't know it. I will admit it was hard at first. We were excited but a little shocked. Ok, A LOT shocked. I was so sick the entire summer. By time September came around I think things were finally settling in. Then, by the end of the month we learned that we were having a daughter. How exciting is that? We had about 24 hours between finding that out and then finding out something was "wrong".
The month of October was doctor appointments and ultrasounds every week. Paperwork, blood work, interviews with genetic counselors. I think I spent the entire month crying myself to sleep every night. By November we were SO informed and ready. The doctor appointments took a back seat to us enjoying our kids and starting to prepare for our daughter to be born.
December has been an emotional month now that our due date is getting closer. The nursery is painted, her clothes are in the closet. I am going in every 2 weeks for checkups and ultrasounds. I find myself crying more than I had been. I feel so stressed out every minute of the day. I try to run the scenario over and over again in my head of her being born and her and Sam leaving to go have her first surgery and me laying in a hospital bed in tears.
Ever since I became a mother I have become this crazy planner and organizer... almost obsessively. I have a million lists going. What to pack for the hospital, for the boys, what paperwork I need to fill out. Some insurance stuff I need to take care of. Laundry, dishes, errands, and appointments. Making sure his work schedule works around the things I need to do. Sam is on me everyday to slow down and relax. He has been great about stepping in and helping me whenever I need it but it's hard for me to give up control. I feel totally incapable of slowing down. On top of that I don't want the boys to see me crumble so I try to stay strong for them.
I spend so much of my free time doing research. I read everything I can about Spina Bifida, hydrocephalus, Chiari Malformation, club feet, bladder and bowel function and surgeries, latex allergies, ways to improve mobility. It's overwhelming at times but I like to know as much as possible.
So as we say goodbye to 2011 and welcome in 2012 I am trying with every ounce humanly possible that I can stay positive. This year our daughter will be born, Roman will start preschool, and lots of good things will happen. We will feel the lowest of the lows and highest of the highs. I am hoping to come out of this a stronger person and a better wife and mother.
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